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Archive forFebruary, 2007Or: Through it all, the cuteness abides. Tonight I took Wallace to get his hair cut. Throughout the process, which for the first time was not on a mommy or daddy lap, he stared sternly at his own reflection. He wasn’t unhappy, necessarily, just very, very serious. Lower lip out, head tilted forward, glaring at the mirror through his eyebrows. He sat very well for about fifteen or twenty minutes while I read him Thomas stories and only brightened when it was done. “All done, Mommy?!?” “All done!” *pause to consider* “A hiccough all done!” He looks quite dashing. Forgive me the sigh, but that’s a difficult question to answer. I’m okay, I guess. I’m coping with everything there is to do. Yesterday I did an excercise tape and danced around the house with Wallace. Not so much for the weight loss aspect of it, but because I thought that maybe being active and burning off some energy would be good for me. It was. It wasn’t a total fix, but things got better. My test was a mixed bag. There was a lot more guessing than I’m comfortable with, but I think they were educated guesses. We shall see. I’m back at work today and the dark is returning. Housework and work work, these are the two things in my life that sink me into a black mood. A truly dark mood. I’m going to try and get an appointment to see someone soon, if just to have it confirmed that what’s wrong is situational, rather than pathological, and if I hang in there until spring it will get better. Ho hum. I’m cycling pretty rapidly this weekend, Peeps. Up, down, up, down. I’ve been stuck inside for the better part of three weeks with a two year old who I love more than the world who is also going to drive me spare. I have a ton of homework and a ton of housework and a ton of work work and none of it ever gets done. I have a husband who has to work constantly to keep us afloat, so I hardly ever see him, and we’re having yet another shocking winter storm here so leaving the house is right out. I’m the most extroverted of extroverts, and my life has become one of seclusion. It’s enough to make me lose my mind. Ha. Ha. On the other hand, I did two and a half hours of studying last night and am no longer totally unprepared for my test on Monday. Everyone in the house is sleeping on clean bedding in clean jammies, and there are no dishes around with food on them. You can even walk through the house in stocking feet and not be afraid of what you might encounter. Wallace’s room gets cuter and cuter by the day and while the enforced closeness is driving us both crazy, it’s also bringing Wallace and I very close. It’s beyond wonderful. My boy, my husband, these two are wonderful things. Even my dogs and cats are pretty damned cool. Healthwise I’m still struggling, just like I did last year after all the antibiotics. I’m having plenty of sinus pain and I keep having pain that I can only describe as kidney pain. I’m exhausted. After a four hour nap this afternoon I’m ready to go to bed right now. Is it depression? Is it illness? What is it? I don’t know. I’m struggling not to be insane. I’m struggling to be kind and be present and active, even when I most want to sit and stare into space. The moments of being down are replaced an hour later by a moment of happiness. The downs are LOW, but the happies don’t feel manic, just happy. I know that I should go see someone, and as soon as I’m able to leave the house again with any kind of regularity I will. Hanging in there.
KP Okay, so yesterday wasn’t good. Yesterday, it must be said, was pretty dark. Today on the one hand is better because I don’t feel as emotionally crazy. Unfortunately Wallace has been spiking fevers of 103 or so and has an ear and sinus infection. We just had lunch and started on antibiotics. I also confirmed at the doc that my ears are full of fluid. She doesn’t see any infection, but they are packed up. That explains a lot. I’m going to take a deep breath, try and regroup this weekend, and get back to you. Ahem. Work sucks, as an understatement. The house is a disaster… again. My schooling is a disaster and I have a test I am unprepared for… again. I can’t get people I really need to hear from to respond to me… again. I’m behind the curve in every aspect of my life and rather than feeling proud of what I accomplish I wake up in the mornings generally unrested and spend the rest of the day scrambling feverishly to try and gain some ground. Every now and again I catch up. Those days are the good ones. Those days are the days you see me chirruping here. My 180 post below was one of those days that actually felt productive. Most of the time it’s scramble from waking to dreaming to try and find some sort of equilbrium or at least, GOD, not let it get any worse. Sometimes I’m successful and sometimes I’m not. Most of the time right now I’m not. I appreciate all the reassurances from people who are TIRED AS FUCK of me feeling down and overwhelmed all the time, but you know what, party people? Too bad. I’m not adding “MUST FAKE BEING AWESOMELY HAPPY PERSON WHO IS NOT TOTALLY OVERWHELMED” to my list of shit to do. If you don’t want to talk to someone who’s desperate and dismayed, don’t call. Which is pointless, because nobody is calling anyhow. They must have all gotten the memo. You know, I’m the person who planned an international wedding from across the country and did an awful lot of the legwork and paperwork to get my husband legalized. I deal with the bills and I organize the entire worklives of total fuckups. I’m not what one would call “squirrely”. If I can’t keep things together that isn’t a failing on my part, that is JUST HOW BAD IT IS. It is worse, right now, than planning a wedding from across the country. Infinately worse. The antibiotics are seriously fucking with me. I hate everything. Everything. I’m peeing my pants. Peeing. my. pants. The best of CSI Miami - Horatio kicks ass
Edit: Please note that I don’t even watch the show. It’s so bad it’s still hysterical. We had the most wonderful day. I’ll say that again because I say it too rarely: We had the most wonderful day! We went to cousin J’s first birthday party and it was a total smash hit. Wallace said the word “birthday cake” about fifty times. He shook people’s hands. He was polite and lovely and enjoyed everything about it. Every single thing. I got complimented a thousand times. As if I had anything to do with it. The do was at a very swank place and was cooler thank cool. I have never pulled off a party that cool. It was very cool. Then we came home and because he was beyond well-behaved he got a present (left over from his birthday last September) that is a bouncy house that you can use indoors. So he camped out in that for the evening and watched Elmo telling him about balloons and birthdays. For once The Troublemaker didn’t have to work his fingers right to the bone and was home, so he and I cleared out all the baby stuff in Wallace’s room, broke out the big-boy accoutrements and took the side off the crib and dismantled the changing table. At first I did a lot of crying. He’s doing so well in there. It’s so bittersweet to see him happily sleeping in a big boy bed with a proper pillow and a sheet. A SHEET. So sad. My baby is a big boy. On the other hand, while I was packing up the baby blankets and the old bedding and the changing sheets and the thousands of stuff that Wallace just doesn’t need anymore, it suddenly occurred to me that in as little as two years I could be pulling it all out again! Washing it all in prep for a new baby Poopyhands who will look up to his or her big brother. It’s really rather fantastic. I’m now going to drink some tea and watch a movie with my gorgeous husband. HURRAH!
P.S. - This time the antibiotic is working. My health is much improved. It’s surprising how much better the world looks today. |
Email Me Dooce takes pictures every day with a Nikon D70 I take pictures occasionally with a Sony Ericsson wireless phone.
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